If You Aint First, You're Last!

If You Aint First, You're Last!
May 08, 2007, 02:34 am
As the #1 seed for the NBDL playoffs, we played 2 games in the last 2 weeks. That meant that we had a lot of time to prepare, but also a lot of time to relax and take in our last days in North Dakota. I actually hated it because my social crutch, also known as XBOX 360, decided to die on me. No Madden, no Guitar Hero, nothing. These were dark times for me. I had never been outside since I had been in Dakota. I had never watched daytime T.V. What the hell was I gonna do now between the hours of 12-8pm now? Well Let’s see... On Friday the 20th, the night before our Eastern Conference Final game, there was a Three 6 Mafia concert. I went with Darius Rice. I must say that the music was great, but it was probably the least fun I’ve ever had at a concert. Why? Well, for starters, there were no black people. Not that I need black people around to feel comfortable, but thousands of white kids screaming “I gotta stay fly-y-y-y-y-y-y-y” has a strange way of making me feel out of place. I mean Three 6 has a real interactive show. They have the crowd sing a lot of their hooks. These kids looked so awkward that I became embarrassed to be there. It was like going to a water park and everyone there is wearing business suits and you’re in swim trunks -- you look right but you feel so wrong.

The game the next day was, at the time, the most fun I had playing this whole season. We had some rowdy fans and good competition. We were down by 12 in the 3rd, but turned in up and got the win.

After the game, we had 8 days before the next game. No xbox and 8 free days left me with quite a bit of free time. I think everyone can understand how boring it can be out there sometimes. I was watching so much day time T.V. it was unbelievable. I was watching Comedy Central and a comedian said “I had to drive through North Dakota and the place was closed. The whole place was closed. I said ‘Let me in, I gotta pee.’ They said I had to buy somethin. I only had 10 bucks... so I bought like 200 acres.” Classic. Guy was funny. I changed channels and American Gladiator was on. American Gladiator, yes! That was the second sweetest show ever made...right after GUTS (Nickelodeon’s kid version of Gladiator which is kind of better), which also came on. As a kid, there was nothing better than hearing Mike O’Malley say that I would one day have a chance to take home a “glowing piece of the radical rock, The Agro Crag!”

Luckily a friend of mine came to visit, so I wasn’t quite so bored. However, I still had to search for things to do. Like on Tuesday, I bought a grill just so I could BBQ, just so I could have an excuse to drink at 3pm, just so I could have an excuse to go to our bar at 8pm. Sweet day huh? I had to get creative without my Madden.

Another day I spent mostly napping so I was very awake late at night. We ended up going to Wal-Mart at 3am (completely sober) with no intention of buying anything. Wal-Mart supercenters are just so coddamn big. There’s plenty to do in there without needing to buy anything. Well after an hour and a half in the store, I finally got back home at 5am. I did end up buying one thing that night... a paintball gun that was on sale for $18.

The paintball gun would come in handy the next day as my friend and I found ourselves drinking wine and shooting paintballs at my Guitar Hero II box. This literally continued for hours until it was time to head out to the bar.
I tell you what, Sunday night couldnt come fast enough. Game time was finally upon us. If nothing else, we had an excuse to leave the house. In all seriousness, this was probably the biggest game I’ve been a part of in a long time. You only get so many chances to win a championship. The game was intense the whole way. We were up, we were down, we battled and battled. It was funny because half way through the 4th quarter, Pooh Jeter got hot. He made some big shots and started to get real emotional. He starts yelling out: “Put me in your blog! Put this in your blog!” I laughed but it kind of bothered me because it looked like we were going to lose. With a few seconds left, Pooh got fouled and had a chance to put his team up 3 and essentially close us out. As the second free throw went in, he repeated the whole “Put this in your blog!” thing. We are friends, but at that moment I wanted to throw his little ass in a coddamn trash compactor I was so mad. Well, as it turns out, my man Darius Rice hit a 3 to send to game to overtime. Guy has 10 threes already and they leave him open with the clock running down. In overtime, after I scored to put us up by 6, then blocked Pooh’s layup on the other end, he was complaining to the refs about a foul call he wanted. I walk right up to him and say “THIS is going on the coddamn blog!” He was so angry, he started yelling out any and everything about the blog, but it didnt matter. We won the championship. We did the chicken noodle soup dance at half court in celebration. We, the Dakota Wizards, cut down the nets, not the Colorado 14ers. Pooh, if you’re reading this.... HHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHA. You’re my man, but hey, you’re in the blog like you asked! So, how was it after the game? DId you sit there in your locker room and hear our celebration? Did you see me chicken noodle soup with the trophy in my hand? No? Could you hear our fans rejoice as we cut down the nets? It was pretty awesome son. It was like we went to the same party, but I left with your girl and took her back to your house where you had to listen to us all night. You did play hard though, that was good. No ifs ands or buts, Pooh you had GUTS! See you at summer league.

When the team finally got into the locker room ten minutes later, the champagne flew wildly. It was a pretty unique experience being drenched with champagne. Haha I wanted to drink it not pour it on Corey’s head. Oh well.

That was it. We came in, we won, we left. I’m already back in LA right now. It was an interesting experience living there and playing with these guys for such a long time. Before I conclude all writings regarding the D-League, I must address each of them one last time...

Chris: The only guy whose hair could look like Ben Wallace one day and Bernie Mac the next. Unstoppable crossover too.

Corey: His nickname is “Homicide”, but he knows I’ll only ever refer to him as “Spermicide”. He can penetrate any defense in the world.

Mo: Napoleon complex and a bum ankle that never stopped him from trying to out-rebound me. Lucky bastard did in the championship too.

Renaldo: WHY IS THE RUSSIAN HERE? I guess you learned the European style of defense.

Kevin Lyde: You were never, ever, bringing sexy back when you took your shirt off. Haha.

Quemont: Silent but deadly.

Dontell: I never kept the kitchen as clean as he wanted.

Jerome: He takes this “I can do everything” thing way too far. I got an email that said “Ask JB if he can s*ck himself.” He refused to answer at first, but finally he said “Yes, of course I can, but I wont.” Crazy.

Darius: Since neither of us approved of the No-Homo thing, we started making every statement sexual until people just stopped expected anything else from us. Yo, Darius, of course you had 52 in the championship...your balls always find a way to the hole my man. If you ever come out here to Cali, Ive got plenty of balls ready to be smacked by a fat head on a long shaft...I think they call it golf where you’re from.. yea, golf.

Coach: Thanks again for not cutting me when I sucked...or should I thank whoever made the league rules hard to cut me?

Although my time in the D-League is done, it wont stop me from blogging as usual. You can see what I cut out of this article, plus many others at

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