Mocking the Draft February Edition
11. Rodney Carney The NBA Slam Dunk Contest is in peril. Iguodala got robbed, ostensibly because the judges felt sorry for Spud Webb, who looked like he left his Zoloft in the hotel room while being used as a prop by Nate 3 for 22 Robinson. Carney was sent by the basketball gods to rescue the dunk contest from mediocrity. Because he drifts in and out of games like a junior varsity baller distracted by the cheerleaders, hell never be a big enough star to refuse the commissioners invitation. But make no mistake about it, the R Car has more hops than a bottle of Bud. When he takes off, it looks like he jumps twice, once to get off the ground, and then once more while hes in mid-air. leaping into the top 10 is a bit of a stretch, but thats about the only height Carney cant reach.
12. Randy Foye If I were a college coach down 1 with 10 seconds left and the ball, and I could have any player in the country start my final possession, it would be Teen Wolf. But if I cant get Teen Wolf, Foye is my man. That said, the media gets distracted with Jay Wrights quadruple guard offense, quadruple strength hair gel, and quadruple breasted Armani suits, and nobody seems to care that Foye has been the most consistent player on a team wrought with tough luck for the past quadruple years. To his credit, Foye doesnt seem to care. He just goes out and gets it done, and there is no doubt in my mind that hell lead them to the round of quadruple in the NCAA tournament, and get the props he deserves.
13. Brandon Rush The Rush family is the basketball version of the Jackson 5, and Brandon is MJ himself. A perfect combination of brother Jarons athletic ability and Kareems jumpshot, Brandon has been making sweet music for Kansas all year long. Like Mike, this kid is destined for greatness, and everyone in Lawrence can see it. The only way to keep Rush in town for next year is for coach Bill Self to personally sabotage his superstar, Joe Jackson style. Here the are steps Self needs to take to make it happen:
- Change costumes. The Jayhawks tournament uniforms should have a plunging neckline, plenty of sequins, bell bottom shorts, and platform sneakers.
- Every time Brandon misses a shot, beat him with a lead pipe.
- Every time Brandon hits a shot, beat him with a lead pipe.
- If you must address him directly, refer to him only as boy. Better yet, get the equipment manager to outfit him with a new jersey that says SISSY on the back, instead of Rush.
If Self hasnt got what it takes to pull this off, Im sure the real Joe Jackson is available for a small appearance fee. Otherwise, KU will be singing I Want You Back to beloved Brandon come June.
14. Brandon Roy You want versatility? Forget ball handling and shooting, or defending multiple positions. This is a man with two first names, and that special talent earns an asterisk in my scouting notes. Michael Jordan, Ray Allen, Chris Paul, Larry David, the list goes on and on. A player is only a tweener if he doesnt do anything especially well, and Roy does a bunch of things especially well. If he could just borrow coach Lorenzo Romars mustache, he might get some player of the year consideration.
15. Mardy Collins The best kept secret in college ball this year. Say youre the head coach of a slightly below average high school team, and your star point guard rolls his ankle half way through practice. To keep things going, you ask assistant coach Smith to step in as a substitute and play a little point for the 5 on 5 scrimmage. All of a sudden, the kids seem to really get it. They start executing on offense, cutting off penetration on defense, and acting like theyve got a little common sense. Then coach Smith subs out, and the team goes all Whitney Houston on you, with players calling out swear words instead of plays and playing defense with their hands down their pants.
Mardy Collins plays like an assistant coach. Hes the straw that stirs John Chaneys prune juice, and proof positive that the old coach still knows how to pick winners. Im not sure how much room is left for improvement, but Collins looks ready to step in right away.
16. Rajon Rondo E.T. has smaller hands and fingers than Rajon Rondo. And if I were Rondo, Id take my freakishly long middle finger, extend all 10 inches of it straight up in the air, and show it to Tubby Smith, who is stunting this point guards development like 98 Degrees did Nick Lechay. Watch the games. Patrick Sparks (a classic spot up shooter) is Kentuckys point guard, and Rondo (a classic penetrating ball handler) is the shooting guard. Shockingly, UKs season hasnt panned out too well, and maybe thats excusable with the Randolph Morris controversy and the loss of some crucial senior leadership. But taking Rondo off the ball is killing him as a player, because he cant practice the most important skills hell need when he gets to the pros: poise and decision making. As a result, the point guard with the quickest feet and hands in the draft has no point guard experience to speak of. Gifted and cursed in college, NBA teams will have to wait a few years for Rondo to catch up to his talent.
17. Paul Davis Seems like a pretty tough character and plays within himself, but owns one of the worst game faces anyone has ever seen. This cat honestly looks like hes about to cry, no matter what the time or situation. Sucks for Davis, but half the game as an NBA bruiser is intimidation, and nobody is going to be intimidated by a guy whose facial expressions range from deeply concerned parent to post-traumatic stress victim. Coach Izzo should bring back Mateen Cleaves to teach Davis how to smile every once in a while (nothing about basketball, just smiling).
18. Guillermo Diaz Im starting to get VERY worried about Diazs physical condition. He looks nothing like the player he was last year, and its a shame for Miami, which could have made a lot more noise than it has. I wouldnt be surprised if teams brought him in for a physical and the MRI of his knee showed that his ligaments had been replaced by a couple of Twizzlers and some bubble gum. On the other hand, you can never have enough Twizzlers and bubble gum on an NBA bench, so wasting a late first round pick on Diaz might not be so bad.
19./20. Hilton Armstrong/ Josh Boone Maybe its just that Im out of punchlines, but theres nothing particularly entertaining or distinctive about these two picks or these two players. Playing in the shadows of Okafor and Gay, neither Armstrong or Boone has ever had to carry the offensive load, which is a good thing, because neither of them can. I expect Calhoun and the local press in Connecticut to orchestrate a Karl Rove-like campaign to convince Boone that hes not ready for the NBA so he will stick around for one more year. But too much of the squad is either graduating or going pro to make staying in Storrs worthwhile, and the smart money is on Boone following Gay, Armstrong, Rashad Anderson, and maybe Marcus Williams into the draft. The important thing here is that if one of these two picks ends up as the Knicks pick via Denver, Armstrong/Boone, or anyone else for that matter, is destined for failure. Beware of the Knicks, young players with promise, beware.