Jared Reiner: Never Ending Bus Trip

Jared Reiner: Never Ending Bus Trip
Dec 09, 2010, 05:32 pm
Being on a bus with a teammate who smells of big foot's feet, Middle-Eastern cooking, and baby poop has turned this road trip into a nightmare. I am hoping my olfactory organs will be able to recover and work normally sometime in the next year. Because of weather and traffic, our original seven-hour trip is at eleven hours and counting. To make matters worse, our toilet is broke. If I didn't have my kindle and the Boston Legal series to watch, I might have gone insane hours ago.

Another example of the bad luck we have had this year came in November. We finally got a winning streak going and then we had a seventeen-day break without a game. For those of you who are keeping score at home, in Europe that means practice, practice, and then more practice. I didn't get to travel and see the sights like most people think ex-patriot athletes do while in Europe.

Then, we lost in overtime last weekend on the road in a game we should have won. That unneeded break definitely was not good for our mojo and ruined our game rhythm and timing. (A special thanks goes out to the genius scheduler who gave our team a seventeen-day break in November but no break for Christmas. Kudos.)

To add to the bad luck bug, during the last game I was hit pretty hard in the head. As a precaution I went to the emergency room right when we got home that night. The team trainer and I got to the hospital at 11:30 P.M. and four seconds later we realized no one was there. When I say no one, I mean nobody was around, not even a useless rent-a-cop.

The only sign of life was the receptionist's purse sitting on her seat. It was like they just dropped what they were doing and left. It is an eerie feeling walking thru a seemingly abandoned hospital in a foreign country.

Did I act like a child and go thru a couple drawers? Maybe...

Did I do the anal prostate exam joke to our trainer while I snapped a rubber glove on hand? Why wouldn't I?

After my comedic routine waned, we found an emergency phone and asked an operator for assistance. Fortunately, I wasn't seriously injured, otherwise Denny Crane would have represented me in my negligence lawsuit against the hospital. But since I was of able body and near able mind, I just cracked some more lame jokes. Most pertained to how the doctor and nurse were probably occupying their time.

When the doctor finally did show up ten minutes later, to say that he was less than stellar is a compliment. This cat was ignorant enough to be on Google while I explained for the fifth time that I was elbowed in the head during a basketball game. I told him over and over that I just feel a bit cloudy but I still remember everything. When he realized that his back was to me and I could see the screen, he quickly minimized the Google tab. Then he actually had the audacity to ask me what had happened, again. If I were just making things up, it couldn't sound any better.

Unfortunately, I just heard someone say that we still have over two-hundred kilometers to go and I have to go, literally. Looks like peeing in a bottle Dumb and Dumber style is my only option since our bathroom isn't working. Just wish I had the sack to spill on someone like what happens in the movie when the cop asks for the bottle.

I wonder if I should use the ‘give me the booze, you little pumpkin-pie-hair cutted freak' line again? Since I am bored and love to amuse myself, I am going to try to recycle it. It was funny the first time I used it hours ago but the second time it probably won't even get a courtesy laugh. What I can guarantee is that no one will be laughing if we adhere to our schedule and practice right when we get there. Come to think, practicing might be a way to air out my clothes.

Recent articles

Twitter @DraftExpress

DraftExpress Shop